Orange You Glad To Be At Happenings?
by Red Witch
Summary: More helpful hints and fun on Krieger's Korner from everyone's favorite new hangout.


**The gang from the Figgis Agency stole the disclaimer that I own any Archer characters. Just more fun and madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **Orange You Glad To Be At Happenings? **

"Hello!" Krieger waved to the camera. "Welcome to another segment of Krieger's Korner! Once again, we're at Happenings! Where things happen!"

He was at a table laden with food with Ray, Cheryl and Pam. "This place has sort of become our second home," Ray explained. "Or third home. We tend to move around a lot over the years…"

"When you get free food and booze, you can call this place anything you want," Pam grinned.

"I know! How lucky is that?" Cheryl giggled as she took a drink of wine.

Ray looked at her. "Cheryl…You **own** this restaurant."

"Wow," Cheryl said. "I was wondering why they just let me walk right into the kitchen and take this really expensive wine out!"

"Right," Pam said. "Any-who…"

"And they didn't say anything when I said I wanted to make cherries jubilee," Cheryl went on. "Even though I'm not a chef. And I have no idea how to make cherries jubilee."

"Uh huh," Pam said. "As I was saying…"

"Except for the part with the booze and setting the booze on fire," Cheryl added. "I knew that part."

Ray spoke up. "Just like I knew it would be a good idea to follow her with a fire extinguisher."

"As I was saying," Pam said. "Today there's this city-wide Taste of The City going on. Where all the good restaurants are having deals and special menus to show off. And we're all here to enjoy the food and fun!"

"And cherries jubilee!" Cheryl giggled.

"Come to Happenings," Krieger quipped. "While it's still standing."

"Hey guys," Lana walked over to them. "What's with the camera?"

"We're filming a segment for Krieger's Korner," Krieger told her.

"You guys are still doing this huh?" Lana asked.

"Haven't been kicked off the internet yet," Pam grinned. "Plus, we're promoting Happenings so technically this is a business expense."

"Just remember to not add more expenses to our business," Lana sighed as she left.

"Okay it's time for Krieger's Korner to do what I set this video podcast out to do," Krieger smiled.

"Attract some Me Tube sponsors so you can make a ton of cash?" Pam asked.

"Besides that," Krieger told her. "I set up this show to be educational and informative to the public! I mean we haven't really got there yet, but we hope to soon!"

"It's time for some new helpful hints!" Pam said cheerfully. "Is your old gold jewelry looking dull and not as shiny as it used to be? Just take some warm light beer, dip a washcloth into it and rub your jewelry to look as perfect as it used to!"

"Beer!" Krieger grinned. "What can't it do?"

"Keep us sober," Ray remarked.

"Well who wants **that**?" Pam asked.

"How do you make your kitchen sponges last longer when they start to smell?" Ray asked. "Just take some water, put lemon juice in it. Or lemon oil. Let the sponge soak overnight and voila! Fresh lemony scented sponge!"

"Or you could just buy a new one," Pam gave him a look. "They're like two bucks at the store."

"You know my family was poor!" Ray snapped.

"You couldn't afford two bucks for new sponges?" Pam asked. "The lemons oil alone would cost more than that!"

Ray paused. " **Now** you tell me!"

"If you want to get rid of onion smell on your hands," Pam spoke up. "Lather with soap, then pour on some salt. Rub and then wash off! Your hands will be salty fresh! And great for licking!"

"Ewww…" Cheryl blinked. "Just…Ewww…"

"Have a pair of pants that are wrinkled but no time to iron?" Ray asked. "Just throw them in the dryer on high heat with a couple of ice cubes for ten minutes!"

"Oh, you actually **had** a dryer?" Cheryl teased. "I thought you just threw all your clothes into the wind?"

"Watch it Glenda Gottrocks!" Ray glared at her.

"Eat an eggplant to help your memory," Pam added. "And it keeps you young!"

Ray pointed to Cheryl. " **This one** is going to have to eat a whole **field** of eggplants to get her memory back!"

Cheryl giggled. "Wait who are we talking about again?"

Krieger sighed. "I feel like I need to say this **again.** Don't sniff or eat glue. It's just so not good for you."

"Case in point," Ray said.

"What case?" Cheryl looked around.

"Crumbs in your keyboard?" Pam asked. "Take a sticky note and glide it between the keys!"

"Or," Ray said. "You could just **not** eat bearclaws and other pastries at your computer in the first place!"

"Well that's just crazy talk," Pam waved.

"From a crazy person," Cheryl giggled.

"And you're crazier than I am!" Pam told Cheryl. "High praise from the master!"

"Master Coconut!" Krieger called out.

Ray spoke up. "Have garlic breath? Or bad breath in general? Eat an apple! Or drink green tea. That will neutralize your bad breath!"

"That's a good hint Ray," Krieger nodded.

"That's not just a hint Krieger," Ray handed him an apple. "That's a **suggestion**! Eat the damn apple! Your breath smells like you spent the night licking a sewer!"

"I wasn't licking a sewer!" Krieger protested. "I was **in** a sewer licking…Never mind." He started to eat the apple.

"What were you doing?" Pam did a double take.

"Do you really want to know the answer to that question?" Ray sighed.

"Not particularly," Pam realized.

"Me neither," Ray sighed. "Let's just move on, shall we?"

"Best way to treat a blister is to either dab it with mouthwash once a day," Cheryl said. "Or rub aloe vera on it several times a day."

"You know this from experience Cheryl?" Pam asked.

"Oh yes," Cheryl nodded. "I used to get blisters on my hands when I was young and Aunt Felicia was teaching me how to use an axe. Right before she was carted off to the mental hospital. After that horrible incident with her husband accidentally chopping his head off. At least she said he chopped his own head off. After stabbing himself twenty-seven times."

"This is another thing I do **not** want to know about," Ray groaned.

"If you're exhausted at night and have trouble thinking during the day," Pam said. "Have some chocolate! Dark chocolate! That will help!"

"Did we do that one already?" Cheryl asked.

Pam picked up a dark chocolate candy. "It's worth saying again."

Cheryl spoke up. "Tunt family secret. Having an orange a day, keeps wrinkles away. Especially if you throw them at people who annoy you!"

She picked up an orange and threw it across the room. "OW!" Someone shouted. "WATCH IT!"

"Grapefruits are good too!" Cheryl picked one up and threw it.

"OW!"

"Sorry!" Cheryl said. "I was aiming for Lana! Don't see how I missed." She grabbed another orange.

"OW!"

"Damn it," Cheryl frowned. "Missed again!"

"Where the hell is she getting the fruit from?" Ray shouted.

"Same place you got the damn apple!" Krieger told him.

"Oh right," Ray noticed the fruit basket on the table. Just then he was hit by a roll. "HEY!"

"Sorry," Someone called out. "I was aiming for the bimbo who threw a grapefruit at me!"

"Oh yeah?" Cheryl said as she threw another orange.

"OW!"

"Cheryl stop…" Pam said before someone threw a roll at her. "HEY!"

"Sorry!" Another person called out.

"Pam, no…" Ray cautioned. "Don't do it…"

"Oh, you know I have to," Pam said as she took handfuls of food.

"Not necessarily," Ray said. "You don't have to…"

WHACK!

Someone hit Ray with a pasta dish. "THAT'S IT!" Ray roared. "THIS IS MOHAIR BITCH!" He started throwing food. And considering one of his hands was bionic, his aim was quite good.

"FOOD FIGHT!" Pam roared as she jumped into the fray, flinging food like a ninja.

"See we're educational first," Cheryl explained. "And then we do the stupid stuff!"

"Some would argue all we do is stupid stuff," Krieger groaned as food was flung all around them.


End file.
